By now, those of you who follow my blog have probably figured out that I didn’t have a whole lot of fun when I was a kid. I was always trying to get through the next hour, day, week alive.

I had absolutely no control over what happened to me when I was a kid. I just had to do the best I could to get through it all and just move on to the next chaotic event. This all went on from the time I was… well, I remember as far back as age 4… until I was 16 and finally found the courage to stand up to the two men who were abusing me.

You’d think everything would have been just fine from thar point on, right? Well, it’s a nice thought, but it isn’t reality. My life remained in a constant state of chaos… and it was all my doing.

When I finally got the abuse to stop, I decided that I would decide what would happen to me from that point on and I became obsessed with making sure I was in control of every little detail of every single minute of every single day of my life. But there’s a problem with doing that. Let me see if I can explain.

When I was still being abused by my step-father… one of his favorite things to do was wait until some point in the middle of the night and then drag me out of bed and proceed to kick the shit out of me until he got tired, I couldn’t move anymore, or both. I always knew it was going to happen, I just never knew exactly when. So, it got to the point that, in order to see when it was coming, I’d stay awake until he came into my room and did whatever he was going to do. Then, once he was finished… I’d go to sleep for the few short hours left before school or whatever. I “controlled” the element of surprise, so he couldn’t use it against me anymore.

Problem is… once the abuse stopped… I couldn’t shut that off. I could not, for YEARS, close my eyes to sleep at night. ai’d be awake at 3 or 4 in the morning feeling the same dread I always did.

Another thing I used to control was when or if I wanted anyone around me. It didn’t matter who it was. Family, friends, anyone.

One minute I would be nagging them with a hundred questions… where you going? What are you doing? Who are you with? Just being obnoxiously clingy and needy.

The next minute I would pushing them away. Get the hell away from me I don’t need you!

That behavior destroyed my first marriage. My husband, Mike, got tired of never knowing what to expect from me, and he ended up turning to someone else. It totally sucks that she happened to be my best friend, but looking back… I don’t blame him a bit.

I also held tight to my control over how I felt about my step-father and grandfather. I won’t lie, I hated them both and wished they’d both just drop dead. But, the longer I carried all that hate and anger around with me, the heavier it all got until it had me totally crushed and unable to move forward anymore.

I finally got to the point where I just had to let go of all of that and give up my “control”. I had to forgive. If not, I’d never move forward again.

And that’s when I discovered the truth… t control is an illusion! You can’t control your life… all you can do is keep your reactions to and feelings about it in check.

Once I stopped hanging on to the hate and anger… the chaos in my life slowly went away. I woke up one day and realized that for the first time in my life, I slept a full eight hours and didn’t dread going to sleep. Then I realized that when someone raised their hand to wave at me, I didn’t flinch and shrink back waiting for a blow to land. Little things, to be sure, but HUGE steps in my recovery and ability to take my life back.

I now know that control is an illusion. Life is going to happen whether we like it or not, whether we’re ready or not.

Instead of creating chaos by trying to control it now, I just let it happen, try to learn from any mistakes I make, and just keep on keeping on.

And that’s about the best any of us can do really.